“Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and reasons to stay.” Dalai Lama
Are you an Empty Nester? Have your children flown the nest excited for new adventures while you are feeling like you are in a complete state of mental shutdown?
Empty Nest Syndrome is a real psychological condition that affects many parents and caregivers after their kids leave their home and begin to take care of themselves (aka “adulting”).
The common signs of empty nest syndrome can be feeling a loss of purpose, emotional breakdowns, frustration over the lack of control, or excessive anxious thoughts about your young adult’s safety, health, etc.
Here’s the deal…letting our kids go out into the big scary world is absolutely hard and you may feel like a limb has been severed from your body for the first few days or weeks.
However, it’s also a huge WIN to you as a parent knowing that you raised a responsible human that gets to create their own life and share their gifts with the world! That’s awesome news!
Wherever you may be on the Empty Nest spectrum I am here to tell you to feel the feels and then refocus your energy. Don’t get sucked up and stay in the place where worry, anxious thoughts, what if’s and the worst part…guilt of all the “coulda shoulda woulda didn’t” set up shop in your mental real estate!
My Story as a Newbie Empty Nester
Some of you might not know this about me but, my husband and I have been married 26 years, and our youngest left the nest 26 days ago today. Let me tell you first hand as a new empty-nester, it was bizarre and super hard for the first few days.
My husband and I went through and felt all the feels together. I thought I was prepared but, as the days got closer and closer the feelings got stronger and stronger. It’s hard to explain but, nothing prepared me for him pulling out of the driveway for the last time calling this place “home”.
Flashback to 2015, we moved our oldest son to college and that was my first experience letting my first of two sons fly from the nest. I was so paralyzed by fear of all of the unknowns yet, so proud and excited for his new adventure!
I was a total ball of tears all the way home from leaving him in a new city, in a new place, and on his own. However, I had to pull myself together to continue raising my youngest son who was still at home yet, knowing I’d have to experience this all over again in a few years, only this time…I wouldn’t have any more kids to raise.
So, as my last kiddo honked and waved goodbye, I did my very best to hold back the tears (almost made it), and then my husband and I came in as if we’d both been hit by lightning and sat down, looked at each other and my husband said, “Wow…where did the last 20+ years go?” Waterworks for the next hour, recalling all of the joy those 2 boys brought us.
Now, here we are nearly a month later, just me and my husband who haven’t been alone like this in over 24 years! So after the tears, the comfort, and long talks. The next question was… “now what?”
This is where the rubber meets the road, friends! This is where you get to choose the path that leads to your next chapter. You could choose to stay stuck, sad, worried, and afraid of all the things that are 100% out of your control or you can choose to reignite your life.
My husband and I chose the latter. We have embarked on a new health journey together, we go out on dates, and we’ve reconnected as a couple. We talk to both of our sons often. Getting to know our sons as independent young men taking care of themselves, having real jobs, and living the life they are creating!
As an empty-nesting mother, I am working on releasing the need to constantly worry about what may or may not happen, what they do or don’t do. My job as a parent for chapter 1 is done. We have given them all the tools, advice, and guidance and now it’s up to them to actually utilize them.
We will always be here to love and support them unconditionally but, it’s a true gift when you can appreciate and respect the evolution of the parent-child dynamic.
COACH JEN’S CHALLENGE FOR YOU!
7 Steps to Embrace Your New Chapter as an Empty Nester
- Renew your relationship with your spouse, partner and/or tribe by trying something new together, having a date night each week taking turns on what to do, etc. Now is the time to reestablish a new normal with your spouse or partner together.
- Refocus on your health and wellbeing. It’s time to take care of YOU! Join a gym, schedule the check up you’ve been putting off, choose healthier foods, journal, meditate, get out into nature and get to know yourself again.
- Release the worries, fears for your adult children as well as the guilt, shame and blame for all the things you felt you did “wrong” as a parent. It’s easier said than done so, be gentle with yourself and allow time to process the feelings. They didn’t come with a manual and as parents we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time. We all wish we knew then what we know now. All the worries in the world won’t change a single thing so, be attentive when they come up and try to change it to a behavior you are willing to practice instead. (ie. “I’m so worried my son hasn’t called in 2 days!” immediatley you go into overdrive and imagine him in a ditch somewhere when it turns out he was just getting settled in, making friends and starting his new normal. You can help yourself through this process by taking a few deep breaths and say to yourself, “I am willing to practice trusting that my son will call when he gets a chance.”)
- Reignite your passion and purpose! What lights you up? You get to create your best life too! Take a fun class you’ve always wanted to try, travel, seek out a new hobby, rekindle old friendships, start a dinner club or book club, etc!
- Restart a new chapter with your young adults by flipping the script meaning, giving them the chance to fly without over advising, rather practice the art of truly listening to what they are saying. Give them a safe place to share without adding extra worries or your two cents. This is their rodeo now!
- Remember yourchildren will always be your children no matter how old they get, where they live or what they do. It’s ok to call, text and send them goodies yet, avoid smoothering them. Give them room to spread their wings!
- Reach out for support. This transistion is tough and it will take some time to navigate this uncharted territory. Remember, you are not alone! You can gain support from other parents in this same situation however, the goal is to move forward not to stay stuck in the sadness and codependant blues. As an Empowerment Coach and newbie empty nester, I am here for you! If you are struggling, feeling a loss of purpose or unable to find yourself beyond being a mom, let’s chat! You are not alone and this is just another chapter in the book of life.
Bottom line…you get to choose how you show up in chapter 2.
Your kids will always be your kids and you will always be their parents. This is a wonky winding road for both parents and kids and it’s an AWESOME opportunity for new beginnings.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, struggling with an empty nest, or you’d like to discover what is next in your life, please contact me via my website jendubois.com or email me directly at [email protected] and set up a complimentary Discovery Call!
Empty Nesting is tough and you don’t need to go through it alone!
Be Fierce, Be Fearless, Be YOU!!
Jen
Empowerment Coach, CFLC